Helloooo! I thought I’d share a funny story, and brighten up the average post around here.
WARNING: ABNORMAL USAGE OF “SO”. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.
I hang out with my good friend/older sister/mentor about every other week. She used to give me guitar lessons, but then she got pregnant and couldn’t hold a guitar. However, when she DID teach, I remember we would spend more time goofing off and just talking than teaching and learning. Maybe that sounds undisciplined of us, but I like to think we were so on-point for learning/teaching that we only needed to work on it for a tiny portion of the time! 😉
So, we’re good friends, I think. We hang out every other week and our cheeks always scream in protest from laughing too much. She says she likes hanging with me. I doubt it’s 100% true (I can’t help but think, “She’s got to be tired of this. She’s only doing it because she likes helping people. Because she feels obligated. Because there’s food involved sometimes. Because she doesn’t want to see a repeat of her experience.” But those doubts aren’t something I want to focus on, at least not right now. If we’re being totally honest, ya know.
Why do we hang out? Let’s just say…. ((I had a mental breakdown and got to a really dark place and then God got me out of the really dark dark into a more Jesus place where it wasn’t “where are You God” and “i hate myself so muchhhh” but more like “God You made me so I’m gonna honor that!”So, when I reached out for her to please make me a word art thingie because she’s a professional and i had just finished burning myself out by painting like seven very detailed pictures for people’s Christmas presents and I had “you’re more than a conqueror, you’re royalty” stuck in my head.
So, she did it cause she’s awesome but then I had an anxiety attack after one Youth group and ended up texting her because she said I could if I needed to talk and we ended up meeting for dinner every other Thursday lolz.
So that’s how we ended up with every-other-week meetings. And lately, we’ve been unable to meet due to life being, well, life. We skipped one week, and then another, and then another, and we’re about to skip another. Maybe. It all depends on life.
So, since I’ve been pretty chill the past few weeks (Read: Not totally incapacitated by anxiety/depression; I feel decent), I was like, “Hey! I’ll message her and let her know I’m ‘busy’ (with wanting to lie in bed 24/7 blah blah blah) and tired (honest to goodness tired, because staying up till 2:30am and getting up at 6am makes you exhausted), and we can both have off-weeks! I know she’ll enjoy having extra family time, and I need to stop relying on others. This will work out awesome!”
So the first week, I almost did it, but then I realized it would make her want to NOT skip that week. ‘Cause literally, she’s a pro at recognizing avoidance. So, she ended up canceling that week due to… life. We agreed to keep up the same pattern of meeting regardless of meeting (so even though we missed March 23, we wouldn’t meet on the 30th but on April 6). Yesterday, I messaged asking if we could skip this week since I was asked to model (long story, I’ll post about it later). And she was like, “Cool, okay. Praying. Thanks for praying.”
And then later we were double checking stuff, and the convo went like this:”Hey, I’m going to be out of town next week. I didn’t realize it till now… can we meet on Monday or Tuesday?” And I was like, “I’m not sure about my schedule… but we could totally just skip this week too haha.” Then she
“Hey, I’m going to be out of town next week. I didn’t realize it till now… can we meet on Monday or Tuesday?” — KT.P.And I was like, “I’m not sure about my schedule… but we could totally just skip this week too haha.” Then she
“I’m not sure about my schedule… but we could totally just skip this week too.” — Milly
“I’d rather not… I miss Milly time!” –KT.P.
^^ it was at this text that I began doubting our conversation.
(((Are we being super nice now, or is she literally serious?)))
(((What do I say? How do I convey that it’s okay to miss it and I’d hate to make her do something out of obligation when I know she knows exactly what I mean and where I’m coming from and would convince me that I’m worth hanging out with and a joy to be around when I don’t want to delude myself–)))
“Haha, okay… I’ll ask.” — a very flustered Milly
“I think Tuesday might work” — Milly five minutes later trying to figure out how to get around meeting because suddenly, our meetings have become scary and anxiety-filled, and I don’t want to pressure or burden her and I hate that I’m even reaching out at all, but epically failing at all screenshots.
“All righty! Tuesday it is.” –KT.P.
Later, I was about to pull out my phone and text her,
“Really, it’s fine — you can spend time doing last-minute stuff and packing and all that. I’ve actually been pretty good mentally (as if I’m a dog, haha, but you know what I mean…. I hope… 😉 ). I haven’t had an anxiety attack –”
This is where I stop. This is the funny part. This is the story I’ve spent over 800 words getting to.
I pose my thumbs over the screen, ready to type out this message. All I’ve gotta do is remember….
This morning. I had a mini-panic attack this morning. Duh.
“Well, that was the first one in a while! And I’m responding well! The Monday of last week — ”
Wait. Monday started an avalanch of anxiety and depression, which had been preceded by a snowstorm of anxiety and depression for the two weeks preceding it.
“Well, I’m doing we–”
Nope… my chest still hurts from anxiety-ing so bad. Gosh darnit, I guess I am messed up and need help!
The struggles of being me.
On the brighter side, Galations 1:10 says, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Don’t compare yourself to anyone. It’s not worth it. Don’t look for human approval. That’s not healthy. You start to obsess over their perception of you when really all we should be doing is resting in God’s view of us. How He sees us.
Whether it’s all in our heads or not is irrevalent when we think of God’s power and grace and love.
We’re all messed up, and we’ve all got more than enough grace through Jesus. We’re all called to be His. We have to answer His call and receive it, but He doesn’t say, “Oh, you’re too lame to be Mine.” He says, “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” All.
Let’s rest in His promises today, shall we?