I’m Tired….

I’m tired of crying every day — sometimes sobbing, sometimes just in my heart — because I have to be okay.

I’m tired of not being able to kill my workouts because of ankle pain or cramping.

I’m tired of having to reject every single lie.

I’m tired of the pain that comes with severe chronic anxiety.

I’m tired of people wondering why I have these thoughts.

I’m tired of giving my all to people who expect more.

I’m tired of forcing myself to be extroverted when I just need some alone time.

I’m tired of saying, “I’m fine!” with a huge smile, only to suppress a sob once they’re out of range.

I’m tired of getting up every morning and I’m tired of going to bed every night.

I’m tired of feeling sick to my stomach yet still overeating.

I’m tired of driving when it increases anxiety.

I’m tired of judging myself. Others.

I’m tired of trying to find the positives in the really really hard days out of terror that I’ll only be depressing to others.

I’m tired of being terrified. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of life.

But God’s mercies are new every morning. Thank You, Daddy. I love You!

xoxo, milly.

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Problems that Duo-Sport Athletes Have!

  1. Being late/missing practices because of games and races for other sport. “Hey, Coach, I’ve got a meet this Tuesday night… I can’t make practice.”
  2. Mixing up the two sports’ rules…. and forms…. (“Do I catch this ball or is this volleyball?”, free throwing versus setting, swim-diving and starting a track race and diving for balls)
  3. Having trouble finding space for all the different equipment
  4. Talking about the wrong sport with a team. “Hey y’all, see you at practice tomorrow morning?” “This is the basketball team. Not swimming.”
  5. “Should I eat before practice?” Because there are some sports you eat before, and some sports you can’t eat with. (Read: Running)
  6. Being exhausted at practices because “I stayed up til 10 working on defense drills last night and you expect me to run a 5k at 7am?” or “We just did conditioning this morning! My arms are too sore to serve.”
  7. The jokes people make. “Wow, with your two-sport life, it’s like you’re in a really bad love triangle!” “You’re super fit, why can’t you lift this pack of waters?” “Why don’t you go run to practice? Hahaha, LITERALLY!”
  8. The expectations people have. “You work out like 24/7, why don’t you eat dessert? Are you one of those health freaks?” Girl, I’d love to eat a donut. And I do. I just gotta, you know, care for my body? Cause if I eat junk like that daily, my performance falters, and guess what I’ll miss? WORKING OUT WITH MY TEAMS!
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My Tips for Being Any Kind of Athlete

As I begin my third year of XC running and volleyball, I find myself scouring the internet for real sports tips that don’t involve scams and stupid equipment in a form that is tolerable and NOT cringey. I find it’s very, very difficult.

I’ve compiled a list of things I’ve learned throughout the years, and I’m keeping this real, unique, and totally original. Yes, some of these tips have been shared by everyone, but that’s because those tips are legit. An added bonus — these tips are applicable for every active sport. So, without scams, cringe-worthy self-promos, and plain annoying “But before I share this miracle tip with you, blah blah blah!”, here you are!

  1. Drink smart. This doesn’t just mean drink lots of water, though that IS important: Without it, our cells literally shrivel up and die because they don’t have water to hydrate them (Not an exaggeration! I learned that one in Anatomy/Physiology class!). Drinking smart includes being aware of what you drink, and how much. Caffeinated beverages cause you to lose fluids and sugary drinks (and alcohol!) dehydrate you. It’s not a sin to drink either, but as a rule of thumb — athlete or not — try to keep your water intake higher than any other liquid intake. You already know that if you feel thirsty, you’re getting dehydrated, so keep a bottle of water with you wherever you go.
  2. Eat smart. WHEN you eat is just as important as WHAT you eat, so try to find your body’s prime feeding times, and nourish yourself in those blocks as best as possible. Does your body function best on a fasted practice? How about with a few bites of simple carbs? Eating before practice can make a world of a difference so go ahead and try it out (and visa versa if you usually practice right after eating, only to end up feeling nauseous). Don’t forget to make sure the quality of food is beneficial to your body, too. A lot of health and fitness people like to claim their lifestyle is the only one that works, but everyone is different and have unique needs based on their metabolism, schedule, and situation. For example, high carb, low-fat vegan living is fantastic for ShayCreativity, as she has a fast metabolism, but my body needs fats and lots of protein to function well, since I have Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism and have a slow metabolism, so I follow a more paleo styled lifestyle. Make room for mistakes and don’t forget to treat yourself once or twice a week. Food is fuel, and you need the right kind, but when you restrict yourself from having one cupcake or one ice cream cone every single day for weeks, it feels like you’re punishing yourself. Enjoy food, and enjoy caring for you. You’re worth it.
  3. Sleep well. I am pretty good at getting enough sleep, but when I don’t, it’s scary. I’m grumpy, don’t make sense, and feel off. When I tried to run one morning after an all-nighter, I got super dizzy and weak. I know it’s hard, but try to peel your eyes off your phone, that book, or whatever project you have and aim for seven to eight hours a night at least.
  4. Warm up and cool downs are KEY to a good practice and race. Your muscles will thank you for it later. By warming up, your circulatory and respiratory systems acclimate to working out, which means you won’t be as out of breath or sore. Additionally, warming up — using the most literal form of the expression — allows your joints to loosen. Your body needs warmth to be moveable, like clay. You don’t want to snap. You want to be smooth and graceful. Similarly, cool downs coax your body from the high-energy levels it needed into the normal, everyday energy expenditure. On a scientific level, warm ups keep your body from jumping into a sympathetic response suddenly, to prevent total exhaustion early on, and cool downs encourage your body to start a parasympathetic response, which basically encourages your body to chillax and not keep working excessively hard to keep your body in sprint mode.
  5. Practice the sport you play. Do you play softball? Practice pitching. Hitting. Catching. Sliders. Volleyball? Practice passing. Setting. Spiking. Serving. Swim? Swim laps. Go to the beach and work on swimming against the waves. Swim with only arms, and then with only legs. Whatever sport you play, break it down into its individual components, and then work as hard as you can to improve. Not too good at free-throws? Dedicate fifteen to thirty minutes a day to throwing free-throws. Terrified of diving? Study the mechanics and then DO it so many times you stop thinking about it. Become familiar with your sport. It’s worth it.
  6. Don’t just practice your sport. Work all your muscles individually. Just like eating and drinking well improve your overall game, working on your strength, speed, and agility is important, too. Sure, it’s great that you’re physically capable of running a 5k, but you know what running a 5k means? Running 3.1 miles uses your leg muscles. Your butt. Your core. Your arms. Work on your body — whether by going to the gym, or using simple household items as weights, or even just bodyweight exercises — and you’ll find whatever sport you play is a lot easier.
  7. Love the sport, be humble, and encourage other people. Genuine love for a sport is infectious, especially when you realize, “Hey, I’m surrounded by teammates who have come together to play this sport I love. Let’s encourage each other so we can do our best!” The worst thing anyone can hear right after messing up is, “Get out of my way! You’re doing nothing. This is your fault!” Criticism like that — no matter how accurate or inaccurate — does nothing but discourage the player. When there’s a lot of pressure to do well, to play well, athletes tend to stress out and end up underperforming. However, when you acknowledge that a game is just that, that it’s OKAY to mess up because that’s human, and when the atmosphere around you says, “Hey, we’ll support you no matter how this turns out because we love and respect both you and the game!” Keep the air positive, your heart humble, and keep lifting each other up. Play relaxed. Play for fun, not to be perfect. Fear motivates, but once motivation is gone, there’s a gloomy air about. Love inspires, which sets a flame of energy within each person so when one person starts to flicker, everyone else can help relight their flame. AND DON’T FORGET TO ENCOURAGE YOURSELF. No amount of encouragement from others can match the power of speaking truth, the power of recognizing that you are not your mistakes, that you are not defined by your failures, but by who God says you are, and what He’s done for and in you.
  8. Remind yourself why you love that sport. I watch inspirational Youtube videos and search on Pinterest for motivational quotes and helpful tips to encourage me when I just feel like lying in bed all day eating candy and pizza and drinking milkshakes by the dozen. However, that’s not the only way. Look up funny videos regarding that sport. My favorite is any sort of “Ten problems [runners, volleyball/basketball/baseball/football, swimmers, etc] have”, but really, when you just sit down to watch people who love your sport, you can’t help but be inspired. Another way to get fired up about whatever sport you play or do, is to make goals. Whether it’s winning a game, getting your overhand serve, or a two second PR, goals set the bar and give you something to work towards. Not only that, but goals are a great way to measure progress. Seeing your goal list go from “run one mile without stopping” to “run six miles without stopping” is such a kick-butt feeling that you’ll want to set even more goals. Just… make sure they’re achievable, haha.
  9. Ask for help. Coaches and running buddies are there for a reason!  Whether you need advice on endurance, someone to pace you, or some critiquing of your form — ask, and ye shall receive!
  10. Never ever give up. On the days you feel like you can’t get out of bed, jump out. Don’t object to this. Don’t say I don’t know how hard it is to get out. I know some days the hardest part is getting out of bed. But forcing yourself to conquer those temptations — whether it be anxiety or laziness; depression or post-leg-day-soreness — whatever you’re struggling with, by choosing to live in victory over those things, you win. Look outside. Listen to uplifting music. Find a reason to enjoy life. Because when you enjoy living, life is so much more brilliant. When you enjoy life, the world isn’t as dark. When you enjoy life, you’ve got energy. So go out there and find your reason, and then surprise everyone. You’re worth it.

What is beautiful about today?

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Place of Light

Another song blog! I hope you’ve gone to the restroom because this one is a loooong one!

Since 2011 (six years ago!), I’ve made a conscious effort to journal. But lately, it’s become more habitual and, at times, in a desperate effort to stay sane. To process everything in my mind.

As the years progressed, I filled my journal with more and more hate. More and more pain. Lies. And while I didn’t know it in 2012, those armies of hate would affect me more than a couple sobbing nights.

In 2015, I had some scary episodes where I would be so mad and angry and full of hate that I lost control. I harmed myself, other people, and destroyed the room I was in. I screamed, I sobbed, and I did my best to deliver pain. Because I was surrounded by people who wanted to help, and I felt so unworthy of any love I thought I would show them how wrong they were in loving me. At one point, I tried to run away. It didn’t work.

Once those episodes “died down”, so to speak, I continued to be bombarded by hate 24/7. I continued to deflect compliments. Even if I had done something completely on my own, I would somehow give someone — often God — all the credit. I thought I was humble. Turns out it was a facade I didn’t understand. I was trying to be the judge of everything in my life because I deemed God not “good enough”. Because He loved me. I knew it. I just didn’t like it. After all, how could an all-knowing God love me? He saw everything, every wrong part of me. How could He still love me?

By 2016, I was in a dangerous place, mentally and spiritually. I had replaced God with myself, and whenever anyone came to me for help, I tried to help them out of my own knowledge. Out of what I knew to be true. Sure, what I said was true and good, but I took it upon myself to fix their problems. I prayed for them, but I never prayed for myself. I was the guy with the plank in my eye, giving concussions to everyone with specks.

This mindset, the lies, and all the hate — it consumed me. But I didn’t realize it. I thought I was totally fine.

By the end of that summer, I was self-harming every time the lies overwhelmed me…. which was often. At one point, I hurt myself so much that I momentarily lost consciousness, and God brought me to His perspective. He let me see the broken girl on the ground, and He showed me His love for that girl. Kind of like in S6 of Once Upon a Time, when Regina merged her heart with the Evil Queen’s, and suddenly the Evil Queen felt love. I suddenly realized I was hurting God’s precious girl, and even though I felt like I deserved it, GOD was hurt by me hurting myself.

I thought, after that, I was “cured”. Haha, NOPE. I’ve found the most dangerous times of life is when we assume we’ll never struggle with something again and let down our guard, thinking we have to be totally free of hard circumstances to enjoy life. And so, it makes sense that I fell HARD.

That first semester, I slowly lost vivacity. My bright excitement for life turned into apathy. I stopped caring about my intolerances and purposefully ate foods that would tear my digestion apart. I stopped caring about my health and stopped taking my medicine, which is kind of essential for my body to function. I stopped caring about me as a person, and so I stopped buckling. I would purposefully push myself harder in runs and in volleyball so I’d feel terrible. I considered suicide, but I knew if I died, I’d go to Heaven and that would be too good for me. So I continued to live on Earth.

Come December, and I was done with school for the semester. I was home and able to think. And so I was overwhelmed. I painted most hours of the day and night. I got maybe four hours of sleep at a time, and I stayed out in our freezing garage for six to eight hours at a time. I ignored the fact I had bronchitis and stayed longer to work on painting in hopes of destroying my body further. I spent hours tearing myself apart over the smallest faults in my paintings. I continued to see myself as someone who deserved a fate worse than death, a fate to be eternally punished. I wished I could undo my salvation because then I could go to hell, where I *thought I* belonged. My brother came home from college and immediately noticed something was different.

When people received their paintings, they thanked me profusely and complimented my talent. I panicked. Literally. One person posted on Facebook the day after Christmas, that it was the greatest gift they’d ever received, and when I got the notification, I had a panic attack.

From that moment on, I struggled with anxiety. For 2017 New Year’s Resolutions, I vowed to take care of myself and document my progress. It was one month before I fell down again and struggled with anxiety. Depression. Suicidal emotions. Self-harm urges.

It’s the end of  2017 May now, and God’s done a lot of work in and on and through me. I’ve declared truth over and over and over again and actively chose Jesus over anxiety and depression. This past month has been so beautiful because, for every hard time I’ve had, I know God’s more than enough to get me through this. For every fake smile, I know He’s got thousands of really joyful ones. For every moment I don’t know truth, He’s got so much more where all I know is His love and truth.

So as I’ve gone through all this, I’ve journaled. And so I wrote this song based on some of the journal entries I had, trying to describe what it was like, because I knew I’d have to describe it someday. So here it is: Place of Light.

I can’t breathe; this fear is strangling me

I know the facts; I know right from wrong

But what’s knowledge when I can’t trust myself?

 

I’ve lost all hope; I’ve lost my energy

And in my pain I marked myself with shame

And I’m scared I’ll never make it past here

 

But when I look around

I find myself in a place of light

 

And this is where my raw pain meets Your undisguised love

This is where my weakness is transformed into Your strength

This is where every fear meets Your overwhelming peace

This is where Your hands spread wide on the cross now mark my life

 

I’d done so well, but now the lies seem so true

I’m back again, I’ve disappointed myself

Seems like I’ll always be in this pit

 

I’m overwhelmed, and break more with every lie

I can’t feel, yet I still feel everything

Doubt I’d be missed if I just disappeared

 

But You lead me out

And I’m here again in this place of light

 

And this is where every doubt is replaced with Your truth

This is where my brokenness is made beautifully whole

This is where my tearstained face rises up in joy and faith

This is where You transfigure my ashes into beauty

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Sing To My Mountains

This is a rather recent song. I wrote it sometime this week and it serves as a reminder to go to God first. When faced with ginormous mountains, we should remember that our God is greater, and then speak (or in my case, sing) to the mountains. Declare God’s awesomeness in your circumstances. Cause there’s power in His Name.

And if you’re like me and get too caught up with just speaking truth, or the fear inside you makes it hard to outright speak it — try singing it. Listening to songs gets the words stuck in your head, and when you write it, it’s so powerful. Singing truth kinda slips it into your head so when you’re not thinking of it, or just humming, you’ll be suddenly reminded.

Mark 11:22-25

(Jesus speaking here!)

“Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that Your Father also Who is in Heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

So, yeah. This was originally a song based on Psalm 138,  but then other passages of scripture came into play and now it’s “Sing to my Mountains”.

I hope it blesses you:D

 

You make me bold

With strength in my soul

I know You’ll guide me home

 

As I speak Your truth

The enemy will run

Cause they all flee at Your Name

 

So I sing Your Name to my mountains

Though they surround me

I know You are with me God

And though the world may crumble

Though my faith may waver

I know You’re still sovereign, God

 

So I bow down

Humble and free

You made Your love my home

 

And even though

Struggles will come

I know I can call on Your Name

 

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Emmanuel

 

So I sing Your Name to my mountains

Though they surround me

I know You are with me God

And though the world may crumble

Though my faith may waver

I know You’re still sovereign, God

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Even So, I Trust

This is one of the first songs I wrote as a way to remind myself of God’s truth when I was trapped in depression. Not to say I couldn’t be helped or saved, but that I trapped myself by believing lies. But God’s grace is enough. Even when I didn’t see the benefits of standing and living in faith, I still trusted God, and I can see the results now, and it’s sooooo cool to see God work in my life. Here it is!

Even when I can’t see Your face

Tears obscure my vision

Even when I don’t see hope

I will trust in You

Even when I can’t hear You

The lies drown out Your Voice

Even when I’m overwhelmed

I will trust in You

Even when I can’t see light

Even through my fear and pain

Even when I feel broken

I will trust in You

Help me to see past this page

To look above and to You, God

Show me Your light, overwhelm the lies

And fill me with Your truth

I trust in You

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How?!

How is it that depression can affect so much? And it’s not even necessarily spread far in terms of who knows (although it can, and does feel like it), but rather in how LONG it lasts. Like, there’s the immediate stuff. And so people end up finding out then. And then, you get out of it, and people ask the difference. And so more people find out. Then, maybe, you start opening up. And then people you thought had known… turns out they didn’t. And the people you didn’t think knew, already knew. And it’s all a blur.

Just keep choosing joy. Keep choosing Jesus. He’s got this. And His plans are so much better than you could ever imagine.

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Choose Joy. Choose Jesus.

I’ve been thinking.

Even though the frequency of lies and hate and stress and fear is still relatively high, I’ve been consciously choosing victory in Jesus. And as I’ve been writing songs as a way to remind Future Me of victory now, and of His victory over death, I’ve realized I have a theme.

Even though/Even if…… I still choose Jesus.

Even though I’m scared — nope, TERRIFIED — I’m still choosing Jesus. Because I believe in His promises that He is more than enough, and He gives me peace.

Even if I die and my life seems to be pointless… I know I glorify God by existing. Even if I were to deny His existence…. I’d still glorify God because He made me. And knowing He loves me anyways… that makes me want to passionately and purposefully glorify God. Make an effort to give glory to Him.

Even when I feel stuck. Hopeless. Even when the lies start drowning out the truth…. His love remains. His love redeems. His love is in me, and His love is for me.

Even though I doubt myself…. I choose to rest in God’s superiority. Doubting myself doesn’t affect God. And thankfully, neither does doubting Him. We don’t affect God. Our choices affect us and our perception of life. And God affects us. He MADE us! He’s writing our stories. He gave Jesus up so we could be transformed and renewed. He sent His Spirit to fill us. We’re different. Holy. Set apart. HIS.

Earlier today, I was really feeling down. But I choose Jesus. He’s stronger, bigger, better, and truer than anything I feel or imagine. Anything that comes at me…. He’s bigger. Reminds me of two kids’ songs.

“God is bigger than the Boogey Man, He’s bigger than Godzilla, or the monsters on TV; oh God is bigger than the Boogey Man, and He’s watching out for you and me!”

“My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty, there’s nothing my God cannot do!”

I dare you: Choose Jesus today. Choose to believe that His Word is true, regardless of emotions and feelings. Choose to trust that He loves you and that He’s made you priceless. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Even though the journey’s still hard, it’s so freeing to know at least the journey takes you clearer to Him. Because He’s already holding you close. We just have to open our eyes to see Him. Realize He loves you beyond comprehension.

Choose Jesus. Choose joy.

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I Care Too Much

In the wise words of Dan Howell, because I don’t want to plagiarize but that’s literally my life anyways:

“I care too much.”

I’m the kind of person who will come up with this idea. Maybe it’s a great one, maybe it’s a terrible one. But usually, I feel prompted to do something.

So, I’ll write a letter to someone. Paint a picture. Draw a portrait. Sing a melody, write a song — I’ll do something for someone, and they’ll praise it. Whether it’s in appreciation for what I did or just out of kindness — you know, the “You worked really hard on something I could care less about so I’m going to pretend it’s what I wanted/needed so you feel better” reaction — they praise me for what I did, and I’m pleased to make them smile. Because I want to be a blessing, not a burden. When people think of me, I want them to go, “Man, she’s used by God and when she opens her mouth or shares something, I can see and hear God!”

Of course, I’m very human and make many mistakes.

I’m not happy because I’m proud of myself. I’m happy because others are happy. I can’t remember the last time I was proud of myself and it ended well. But while this may sound humble and cute and all — “Aww, you only care about others! You take joy from other people’s joy! How adorable!” — it’s not. It’s another weapon of depression. It’s my self-hate.

For me, depression looks like apathy. Apathy caused by an overload. I’m constantly bombarded by lies, and if I don’t first go to Jesus, if I don’t immerse myself in Him, I’ll be drowned in lies and not get out of bed. I’ll lose energy and hope. I’ll stop caring. I’ll hurt myself, and others, because how can someone like me impact anyone?

So, I’ll write a letter to someone, expressing God’s love. Maybe it’s just a small thing. But then, I think of anyone else who’s mentored me. Anyone who may be struggling. And I’ll panic, going, “I’ve got to write THEM something, too, or they’ll feel left out! Even if they don’t know it, I know SOMEWHERE in their subconscious is a sliver of disappointment!” So, I’ll write THEM one, too. And then, maybe, when I’m anonymously handing them out — “These were handed to me to hand to you…. I got one too, for those of you thinking it’s me.” — I’ll realize that there’s extra people that I forgot about. And then I’ll be like, “Oh, gosh, what do I do? They won’t ever want to return because of this!”

I know it’s illogical. I know I’m so wrong. But I also know, I don’t know everything. I’m bound to have written “the wrong thing down” for that person, or have them take it the wrong way.

That’s what happened Thursday.

I had finally given up on caring about what other people thought of their letters. I even wrote:

“It’ll have been two weeks next time I see any of those people in a situation where I can’t avoid them or change the subject. They’ll have given up any attempts to figuring out who did it, and I’ll have this nightmare behind me. And even if it didn’t touch them like I hope it should have, I know the Bible verses I wrote will speak for them cause God speaks through that.” 

That was in my journal by Tuesday afternoon, and I even progressed to worrying about other things Wednesday morning!

((cue sarcastic whoop-whoop))

Wednesday night I had the best time I’ve had with my dad in a while, and I forgot about everything when I was out exploring with him. Then, Thursday, I got sick. It started out as simple allergy symptoms… then my headache worsened… then I got the chills… then I got shaky and slightly nauseous…. then I got lightheaded…. then I’m pretty sure I just entered Fever-Delirium-And-A-Bonus-Migraine land after that. Right as my headache began to worsen, one girl (let’s call her Sarah) approached me and asked about the letters.

Sarah: “Hey, Amelia, do you know who wrote those letters?”

Me, trying to focus: “What?”

Sarah: “You know, from Youth Group. Nina handed them out. Was it one of the leaders or something?”

Me, too busy catching up mentally to comprehend what she was saying: “Oh yeah. No, I don’t know. I don’t think any of the leaders did it, but I could be wrong.”

Ha. I’m such a great liar.

Sarah: “Hm. Okay. ‘Cause the letter was kinda personal, but… not at all. Like, it wasn’t accurate at all, but then… no. It was like someone tried to understand me, but then totally got it wrong.”

Me, finally realizing what she was saying, and beginning to panic: “Really? Huh.”

Sarah: “They thought I was depressed! They started it off with, ‘Your name has two meanings. The first means empty. It’s okay to not be okay.’ Like, seriously, I want to know who thinks this about me! Who thinks I’m depressed and empty?!”

Me, panicking but also managing to lie somehow: “Seriously?!” *snort*

Sarah: “Yeah! What about yours?”

Me, groping for an answer: “Kinda, but not really? It was really weird, yeah. I haven’t really thought of it since but yeah, that’s weird.”

Sarah: “I know right?! Like, who looks at me and goes, ‘You’re empty and depressed.'” (laughing the whole time)

Me: *laughing* “Yup, that’s the FIRST thing that comes to mind when I think of you! Hi, Empty!”

Sarah: “Seriously!”

The banter continued and hopefully my total mental decapitation later excused any suspicious behavior then, but…. Wow. That was a serious anxiety-causing moment right there.

Probably didn’t help that later, when I started getting a migraine, I pretty much ignored her on the boardwalk coming back from the beach to co-op during lunch. I guess we’ll never know if I was offensive, shady, or just pathetic. Or, ya know, all three. Cause some people take offense at pathetic attempts at being shady.

How’s your week been?

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The Struggle Is Real, Even If You Feel Crazy!

Helloooo! I thought I’d share a funny story, and brighten up the average post around here.

WARNING: ABNORMAL USAGE OF “SO”. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

I hang out with my good friend/older sister/mentor about every other week. She used to give me guitar lessons, but then she got pregnant and couldn’t hold a guitar. However, when she DID teach, I remember we would spend more time goofing off and just talking than teaching and learning. Maybe that sounds undisciplined of us, but I like to think we were so on-point for learning/teaching that we only needed to work on it for a tiny portion of the time! 😉

So, we’re good friends, I think. We hang out every other week and our cheeks always scream in protest from laughing too much. She says she likes hanging with me. I doubt it’s 100% true (I can’t help but think, “She’s got to be tired of this. She’s only doing it because she likes helping people. Because she feels obligated. Because there’s food involved sometimes. Because she doesn’t want to see a repeat of her experience.” But those doubts aren’t something I want to focus on, at least not right now. If we’re being totally honest, ya know.

Why do we hang out? Let’s just say…. ((I had a mental breakdown and got to a really dark place and then God got me out of the really dark dark into a more Jesus place where it wasn’t “where are You God” and “i hate myself so muchhhh” but more like “God You made me so I’m gonna honor that!”So, when I reached out for her to please make me a word art thingie because she’s a professional and i had just finished burning myself out by painting like seven very detailed pictures for people’s Christmas presents and I had “you’re more than a conqueror, you’re royalty” stuck in my head.

So, she did it cause she’s awesome but then I had an anxiety attack after one Youth group and ended up texting her because she said I could if I needed to talk and we ended up meeting for dinner every other Thursday lolz.

So that’s how we ended up with every-other-week meetings. And lately, we’ve been unable to meet due to life being, well, life. We skipped one week, and then another, and then another, and we’re about to skip another. Maybe. It all depends on life.

So, since I’ve been pretty chill the past few weeks (Read: Not totally incapacitated by anxiety/depression; I feel decent), I was like, “Hey! I’ll message her and let her know I’m ‘busy’ (with wanting to lie in bed 24/7 blah blah blah) and tired (honest to goodness tired, because staying up till 2:30am and getting up at 6am makes you exhausted), and we can both have off-weeks! I know she’ll enjoy having extra family time, and I need to stop relying on others. This will work out awesome!”

So the first week, I almost did it, but then I realized it would make her want to NOT skip that week. ‘Cause literally, she’s a pro at recognizing avoidance. So, she ended up canceling that week due to… life. We agreed to keep up the same pattern of meeting regardless of meeting (so even though we missed March 23, we wouldn’t meet on the 30th but on April 6). Yesterday, I messaged asking if we could skip this week since I was asked to model (long story, I’ll post about it later). And she was like, “Cool, okay. Praying. Thanks for praying.”

And then later we were double checking stuff, and the convo went like this:”Hey, I’m going to be out of town next week. I didn’t realize it till now… can we meet on Monday or Tuesday?” And I was like, “I’m not sure about my schedule… but we could totally just skip this week too haha.” Then she

“Hey, I’m going to be out of town next week. I didn’t realize it till now… can we meet on Monday or Tuesday?” — KT.P.And I was like, “I’m not sure about my schedule… but we could totally just skip this week too haha.” Then she

“I’m not sure about my schedule… but we could totally just skip this week too.” — Milly

“I’d rather not… I miss Milly time!” –KT.P.

^^ it was at this text that I began doubting our conversation.

(((Are we being super nice now, or is she literally serious?)))

(((What do I say? How do I convey that it’s okay to miss it and I’d hate to make her do something out of obligation when I know she knows exactly what I mean and where I’m coming from and would convince me that I’m worth hanging out with and a joy to be around when I don’t want to delude myself–)))

“Haha, okay… I’ll ask.” — a very flustered Milly

…..

“I think Tuesday might work” — Milly five minutes later trying to figure out how to get around meeting because suddenly, our meetings have become scary and anxiety-filled, and I don’t want to pressure or burden her and I hate that I’m even reaching out at all, but epically failing at all screenshots.

“All righty! Tuesday it is.” –KT.P.

Later, I was about to pull out my phone and text her,

“Really, it’s fine — you can spend time doing last-minute stuff and packing and all that. I’ve actually been pretty good mentally (as if I’m a dog, haha, but you know what I mean…. I hope… 😉 ). I haven’t had an anxiety attack –”

This is where I stop. This is the funny part. This is the story I’ve spent over 800 words getting to.

I pose my thumbs over the screen, ready to type out this message. All I’ve gotta do is remember….

Oh.

This morning. I had a mini-panic attack this morning. Duh.

“Well, that was the first one in a while! And I’m responding well! The Monday of last week — ”

Wait. Monday started an avalanch of anxiety and depression, which had been preceded by a snowstorm of anxiety and depression for the two weeks preceding it.

“Well, I’m doing we–”

Nope… my chest still hurts from anxiety-ing so bad. Gosh darnit, I guess I am messed up and need help!

The struggles of being me.

On the brighter side, Galations 1:10 says, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Don’t compare yourself to anyone. It’s not worth it. Don’t look for human approval. That’s not healthy. You start to obsess over their perception of you when really all we should be doing is resting in God’s view of us. How He sees us.

Whether it’s all in our heads or not is irrevalent when we think of God’s power and grace and love.

We’re all messed up, and we’ve all got more than enough grace through Jesus. We’re all called to be His. We have to answer His call and receive it, but He doesn’t say, “Oh, you’re too lame to be Mine.” He says, “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” All.

Let’s rest in His promises today, shall we?

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